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Lady Vernon's Caning Heaven (2 Reviews)

2nd Review
Time: 53 minutes
Year: 1999
Guest Review by Collector posted 6/19/09

There are three Lady Vernon epics; we reviewed Part 2 and wish to add our two cents to Ludwig's clever review of Part 1. "Lady Vernon Strikes Again" follows shortly. Lady Vernon lives in a manor estate: CalStar does a nice job with these tony remote locations. Ms. Vernon may not be quite Miss Brown as a disciplinarian, but she has a wicked gleam, and a definite eye for the curve of the buttock.

Two naughty-looking girls hop the wall of Craven House and steal apples. Lady Vernon runs them down. "In my house, now!" Onto the sun porch/solarium, the scene of other spankings. The girls admit they are from the local reform school and are acquainted with spanking. Lady Vernon has had enough of such wayward girls. "I will punish you myself, here, today."

To the tarty blonde Lisa: "You, remove your shorts." She is spanked OTK on blue panties, without a struggle. Lady Vernon is efficient--both cheeks and thighs are red, echoing shots in the open room. Pants down. "Are we crying yet?" There is some giggling. Good views--face, rear, over the shoulder. Her friend, a more demure brunette, chews her nails in faux anxiety.

Lady Vernon probably has had her fun with these reform school girls in the past. "Stand up, girl. Remove all your clothing." Lisa strips without pause. "Aren't you the naughty one, an all-over tan!" The girl kneels nude on the rattan couch for a flexible paddle, bigger and more mean than the reptitive implements CalStar travels with. Lady Vernon paddles harder and harder, slapping Lisa's thighs wider to increase the fun. Welts and bruises; the blonde struggles to hold still.

Tears arrive, but there is still the cane to come, a heavier, less flexible variety. Lady Vernon shows it to her and she is frightened. "Turn around." About 20 very hard strokes--some repeats. More welts and weals. The kneeling position and a roving camera generate great facials, hanging breasts, and a twitching bottom.

The brunette, her shorts at her knees, was hoping for a fire alarm or even an earthquake. "As for you, it is your turn now. You will do the same as her, remove your clothing." When the girl is naked, Lady Vernon notices marks from a previous spanking. She is let off after just two cane strokes. The girls dress and Lady Vernon goes to call the school. We can imagine the girls will be caned again when they return.

Cut to the reform school. The governor is none other than "Brian," the actor Michael Dawes. Another of his girls, Camilla, has slipped out to see a boyfriend, sneaks back, but is caught. This institution permits some leeway for the girls. Camilla is taken out of bed and sent to the common room. She knows what is going to happen.

In a barren room, Brian starts her OTK, raises her nightgown, and spanks a thonged bare bottom. Thong down, he urges her to spread her legs. "Remove the nightdress." Cute frontal--little black bush, pale body, black bra and panties. "Bend over and touch your toes." 15 strokes of the cane. Sexy postures; Camilla is taking this very well; their ongoing banter suggests a relationship more than institutional. Nice views of a sore bottom, and more. "Go back to your room."

In part 2, we will see Brian is so impressed with the spanked bottoms of the returning girls that he contracts out with Lady Vernon to peform work for his school.

All in all, an ambitious CalStar; three or four scenes, two spankers, and three bottoms.

First Review by Ludwig (first published at Ludwig's Rohrstock-Palast Posted to SPReview on 3/14/08

Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence:
Reform school girls get in trouble

Victim Appeal:
Three British girls receive some jolly good spankings, and here is why: in the first segment of the story, two young lasses have escaped from their local reformatory and are hiking around the countryside. They grow hungry and decide to steal some apples. Lucky for us, they pick Lady Vernon's garden and are promptly caught in the act. The lady wastes little time before escorting the would-be-thieves to her house and punishing them with hand, paddle and cane. The second scene takes place at the reform school itself. When one of the pupils returns home too late, she is rewarded with an over-the-knee spanking and a caning from the boss.

None of the performers are identified by name, but I was able to track down the blonde from the first scene: Lisa Curtin. How I love to do a bit of cyber-detective snooping... Lisa is the main attraction for me, not only because she looks pretty and takes the hardest thrashing, but also because she seems rather intrigued by her ordeal. Time and again, she gets a half-grinning "This is different from my usual glamour shoots!" expression on her face. Out of character, but cute. By contrast, her companion is bored, indifferent and surrenders during the first stage of punishment - she might as well not be in the video at all. The final girl from the next segment is watchable again, a dark-haired lanky thing who has starred in other Calstar films.

Gratuitous Sadism:
This is a middle of the road movie - no outrageous severity, but enough to be appealing. To start things off, Lisa Curtin gets a 7 minute OTK hand spanking (first over the panties, then on the bare) that leaves her well reddened. After that, she is made to bend over Lady Vernon's sofa for an equally long encounter with the thin leather paddle. She remains in that position for the final caning. There are different angles and repetitions, so it's difficult to tell the number of strokes, but my estimate is around 12. They are all quite vicious and produce some handsome marks.

For some reason, the other girl goes straight to the cane, no other implements - and she gives up after two strokes! I beg your pardon? That doesn't even count as a "fizzle". Go back home, and don't you dare come near a CP film again. So, as a result, they had to slap on the other scene at the reform school to get a full video. I suppose it's good news, because the third girl is cuter, anyway. And far more resilient. We are treated to another hand spanking and a caning of some 15 strokes. Not as hard as Lady Vernon's, but enough to make the victim squirm and leave some welts.

Best Reactions:
Lisa Curtin all the way. With her teeth bared, she soldiers on through a corporal punishment session that, while not excessive in absolute terms, was probably a bit more uncomfortable than she expected. Tears start flowing as the leather paddle makes its mark, and predictably, things only get worse with the cane. But even as Lady Vernon fires off a dozen nasty strokes, Lisa never produces more than the faintest of sounds. She just gasps and snivels and grimaces most magnificently. Her relief at the end of it is genuine and palpable.

Best Line:
When the dark-haired lass comes home late, the headmaster is furious to find out that she has spent time with the boys in town. "I know what the local lads are like down there, when they can take advantage of you poor girls!" The beauty of it all lies in the fact that he has set the girl up in the best room of the reform school, with the largest bed - and he constantly reminds her of their "special relationship" and how grateful she is supposed to be!

Pot and kettle? Well, where would CP movies be without a nice old-fashioned set of double standards...

Nice Psychological Touch:
I can't really think of anything specific, unless you count the presence of Lady Vernon herself. She is not a great actress, but exudes an aura of intensity and dread that is quite captivating. Her segment of the video is clearly superior to the ending.

How Good Is It Really?
It's always hit and miss with Calstar videos. Some are excellent, some are forgettable, and most fall somewhere between the two extremes. "Lady Vernon's Caning Heaven" is one of their better titles. Alright, there are no sets or costumes worth the name (the reformatory looks conspicuously like someone's bedroom). The acting is average at best and the story is little more than an alibi. But the film has a certain rugged charm. Like Lady Vernon herself, a stately domme with wild red-brown curls and a cigarette-stained snarl of a voice. She has "cruel bitch" written all over her and clearly enjoys her work. Good technique, too. Together with Lisa, the brave tearful blonde, it's quite a lovely combination. I would have liked to see the two of them in a movie with better technical craftsmanship.

What You Learned:
Whether it's the Garden of Eden or Lady Vernon's front yard, apples are dangerous. Especially to young women.

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