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Red Assed Lap Dancing 20 - Battering the Buns
Directed and Produced: Greg Edwards
Starring: Greg Edwards
Review by: Cindi Mann

It's a scene we've seen before ...a cracked sidewalk leads up to the chipped paint door of the No-Tell Motel. The camera pan of the trashy alley foreshadows the "modeling" assignment in a non-descript unglamorous room. Inside, a bimbo is strutting her stuff and prancing about for our man on the scene, unaware that her trashy, low-class behavior is about to earn her a first-class spanking.

It isn't long before Bimbo #1 (Kristin) loses her patience. She tries lipping off, then grinds lasciviously on Mystery Man's leg in unsuccessful attempts to move things along. Surprising only Kristin, guess who ends up face side down over Mr. Spanker's lap?! Yup, wide-eyed Kristin. "What the fuck are you doing?" she asks. Welcome to Spanking 101, Kristin. She really is an appealing girl, with a beautiful, small tight ass and pretty legs. It doesn't save her, though. "Stop! Dirty old man... You're hurting me... Owwww...." Big baby... all that even before her silver hot pants are lowered. Once they are, intense red marks cover both cheeks like blazing red twin suns... Maybe she's not such a big baby after all. Kristin bites her lip and blinks back tears as a passer-by stops at the door to listen in to the double-time spanking. Back inside, however, the action stops. Kristin is stripping and grinding in a fresh attempt to change the topic from spanking to sex. She grinds Mr. Spanker's leg, her cute butt sticking out in all its appealing red glory. But it's only a temporary break... to the eavesdropping woman's glee, Kristin finds herself tipped back over for round 2. Pleading and swearing and begging God do her no good... she gets no mercy and she finally resorts to offering her ass for a fucking if he stops. After probing the goods, Mr. Spanker pronounces, "Hmmm.... Maybe later," and resumes his vigorous spanking. Kristin wails and howls and yells and calls names and hits him in the leg... if anything, they just earn her faster spanks which cause her to go into a fit of non-stop kicking. About 12 minutes or so after her ordeal began, it stops when she is unceremoniously dumped on the floor to sob and clutch her intensely red and heavily marked ass. The princessly sum of $10.00 slaps her ass one last time. The woman at the door smirks victoriously, knowing a wrong has been righted and walks away, smiling.

Knock, knock... who's the next sucker? Haughty Nina struts about while Mr. Spanker flexes his fingers and cracks his knuckles. Obviously displeased with her surroundings, Nina's camera-fake smile is replaced with a look of utter disgust as she turns toward the bottle of red wine at her smoke break. Break over, it's back to work. Nina tongues a banana, the pearl stud through her tongue looking like a weird spit bubble, giving the poor fruit the time of its life. But before the banana is finished, Nina tosses it disdainfully on the floor proclaiming "This is the most half-assed, low budget film... " Bad move. She gets bent over right away. Mr. Spanker mixes up his pace for Nina, deliberate, hard pops interspersed with ass-kneading, slow slaps and up-tempo, brisk slaps on her ample, firm ass. Although she doesn't color up as quickly as Kristin, Nina's wide-mouthed facial reactions and squeals expressively illustrate how hard she is getting spanked. The camera pans to the poor discarded banana, now grinning righteously at justice being served. Give Edwards credit for a sense of warped humor. Back to the spanking... Mr. Spanker stops the spanking, and Nina's face flits through a range of emotion spanning pain, relief, and total exhaustion, only to switch to shock as he resumes spanking her to tears and beyond. Dumped on the floor, Nina is so spent she is barely able to rise. Another long-distance spanking... clocking in again at about 12 minutes.

Down the trashy alley strolls Ivy, her black power suit a poor fašade for the bitchy tramp she really is. She looks like a woman I used to know and dislike, a trashy, blonde bitch named Terri who thought she was just hot shit. Good, she's knocking at the door of doom and the door is opening wide. Gum cracking, Ivy steps inside and rolls her eyes at the mess she sees, but proceeds to change into an animal print negligee. Pawing her breasts and kitty, she is exactly the type of money grubbing, lascivious slut you hope will find her way across Mr. Spanker's lap... she's just begging for it. When she blows smoke in the allergic spanker's face, she seals her fate. She grinds herself one last time on the bed before he pulls her up. Twisting and turning and stamping, her struggles get her nowhere but over his lap for the bare-assed spanking we were all praying she would get. And she does. Her hard kicks don't stop the hard fast spanks raining down on her. She twists and fights like a little wildcat and ends up getting her hands pinned behind her back. Awww... poor baby.... things are just heating up. Spank her harder, please Mr. Spanker? He complies. Ivy screams. Ivy kicks. He spanks. Hard. She puts her hands back to stop him but he ties them so she can't stop the spanks. Only a couple of minutes into the action, she is crying real tears, her mascara-streaked face contorted into a mask of rage as she calls him every name she can think of. Not too bright, this one. A business-suited woman walking the alley stops in horror, peeps through the window, then laughs as she gets the full measure of Ivy's ass thrashing. "It hurts so bad..." whines Ivy, "I'm so sorry... God help me... somebody help me..." Don't count on any help from the woman listening in, Ivy, she is loving this way too much. Ivy bites at the scarf binding her wrists, pulls her hair, and squalls non-stop, her ass now showing bruises from the solid, hard slaps she is taking. "I'll do anything," begs Ivy. Given a respite, Ivy is true to her word. Ivy delivers a red-assed, bound-wrist, sobbing blowjob, only to be rewarded with a second trip over Spanker Man's lap while the lurker cheers outside the door. Even after dumping her onto the floor, he can't resist taunting her with more slaps to her completely sore ass. Her final "You fucker, you are so gone..." threat is exactly the sort of imagery you'd expect to see from the trashy girls hauled off by the police on "Cops". Personally, I could have done without the blowjob scene although I did like how he flew her by the ears like Dumbo... that made her even more miserable. But that's just me. Most people will love that. Too bad he wasn't dishing up this spanking with a wooden paddle; this wench deserved it. I only hope it really WAS Terri.

A simple premise... girls go to a dumpy hotel and act trashy for money while being total snots, arousing the wrath of the spanker, who proceeds to deliver long, hard spankings to the surprised brats. You wonder how he keeps these girls coming to him ... they really are pretty girls in their bad-girl way. You might think it would get old after awhile, but despite the common thread, Spanker Man's spankings are as unique as the girls. Long, thorough, bare-assed, OTK hand spankings. Time after time. To deserving girls, some more deserving than others. To their limits and beyond. It's a formula for success that hasn't lost its luster.

Directed by Greg Edwards
Mystery Spanker (Greg Edwards), Kristin, Nina, and Ivy
Reviewed by: Amy
4.80 out of 5 stars

Red Assed Lap Dancing 19: Bottom's Up

Review by: Amy

Segment 1: Kristin - The Evidence Speaks for Itself
I'm starting to think that the Mystery Spanker - we never do see his face, though I have to think that I probably wouldn't recognize him anyway - picks out the motel to fit the girl he's spanking that day. Spankee Number One in Red Hot Video #20 is a cheesy, untrustworthy little number named Kristin with both a stud and a sunburst tattoo in her belly button, thick black eyeliner that looks like it weighs about two lbs, and silver hot pants glued to her rear end. If anyone deserved a hot red butt, it is Kristin. She's a cute kid, and the operative word is "kid". She looks young and acts young, and some of her insults - heck, all of her insults - make no sense at all. As usual in the RHV line, the girl starts a nice little strip tease (yawn, but then I'm not into other girls stripping), and then gets bored, fast. When The Man finally puts her bottom up, we get a nice 10 seconds of him rubbing her silver-covered fanny, and those hot pants ride up so high that half her butt shows anyway. This is pretty sexy (I love it when a man rubs my butt). She turns red on her upper thighs and lower butt -- all we can see at this point -- almost immediately. This one is going to look spanked when he's done, I can tell. The pants finally come down but she still has her pink thong on. Her butt is pretty blotchy and almost immediately spanking on her bare skin turns it VERY blotchy and purplish-red. Her legs start kicking up and down, which is something I sort of like. Hey, maybe it's just me. Then she has a bright idea - "I give really, really good blow jobs," she says. "Why don't you let me give you a blow job, please!" Hm. Will he do it? "Or we could fuck," she continues, "we could fuck really really good." Will he fall for it this time? "And I'll be really really wet," she says. Hm. How does she know? Unless she's *already* really really wet. In any case, Mystery Spanker does appear to fall for it. He gives her a few more half hearted swats, grabs some butt cheek while he's thinking, and then lets her get up. "Thank you, thank you," she whispers. Is this a first for RHV? He's going to do it with one of the girls? Nah, not today. She rubs her really really wet clit on his leg for a while, asking him if he's getting excited, which, apparently, he is because she notes his big stiffy: "Ooh, you're pretty hard for an old man." This, naturally, infuriates the Mystery Spanker: "old man"? Back she goes over his knee for more of the good old-fashioned stuff. "I didn't mean it like that!" she shrieks, though you and I and the Mystery Spanker know that she probably did mean it exactly like that. We now get an eagle eye view of her butt. Wow. There are some major pain stripes on that butt. Either this kid is the biggest marker in the history of RHV or the Mystery Spanker is spanking her harder than any of the others. Either way, if you're into bright red-purple well-spanked butts, this is the girl for you. Hold the presses. "You can fuck my ass," Kristin says at last. "I never let anybody do that." Jeez, Mystery Spanker, maybe you should take her up on this one. A first for RHV. Your audience would applaud your benevolence in taking her up on the offer. Go ahead, we don't mind. MS thinks about it for a few minutes, massaging her butt, giving us a nice view of the...the...hole in question. Looks good, Mystery Spanker, go ahead. Apparently though, he's having too much fun spanking that ass to fuck it. Sigh. Kristin finally takes a look back at her bare bottom: "Oh!" she squeals. "Look at my ass! It's all red! It's gonna bleed!" I was thinking those same thoughts, Kristin. "That's fucking evidence!" she says when he doesn't stop. "Just wait til I leave here." I can't help it. I start laughing. "Evidence"? I'd love to be a fly on the wall in that police station when Kristin shows up with her red ass as "evidence".

Segment 2: Nina - The Best Ass in the Video
Nina has a big mole on her breast. Nina has a huge mole on her breast. Nina has a dark brown humungous mole on her breast. If I can get that out of my system, I'll be able to watch this RHV segment in peace. In the long run, though - heck, even in the short run - the mole doesn't matter one bit because she is turned bare butt up in short order and the mole is gone from view forever. Her long, curly, pony-tailed hair reminds of I Dream of Jeannie. That Jeannie was always a sexy little number, wasn't she? But Nina, Nina.... Well, I hope Nina isn't a model in real life. If she is, she may be the worst model in history, posing in awkward ways, almost tipping over onto the floor in her un-enthusiasm to pose for the little birdie. The only good part of her modeling act, in fact, in her cute little skirt that screams "spank me" - cut outs going up the sides and so short we can pretty much see her ass already. When the Mystery Spanker finally gets going, we can see that Nina is one of those girls with thighs that continue on up and become her butt. She's got firm but chubby legs is what I'm trying to say. As the spanks rain down - not too hard, he is warming her up after all - she squeals and squeaks like a stuck pig. (What is a "stuck pig" by the way?) Her fanny pinks up nicely as the spanking goes on - she really does have one of the nicer rear ends of the RHV models. Occasionally we catch a glimpse of her tongue stud as she opens her mouth to squeak out a protest. What is it with RHV and tattoos / studs? Oh, well, none of my concern as the spanking continues, and the important thing to note about Nina is that the harder the Mystery Spanker spanks, the less she whines and complains. Let that be a lesson to all you spankers out there - do it hard. The Taking Down of The Thong is something of a defining moment for Nina - she starts crying, figuring out at last apparently that this guy is serious about spanking. Her I-Dream-of-Jeannie ponytail swings wildly around; how did Jeannie keep hers so nice and neat? We finally see Nina's fat bottom in its full glory, and so does the Mystery Spanker given the way he's rubbing and squeezing it. After a few short minutes, he strips of her of her little bikini bra - am I the only one who finds this slow disrobing at the hands of her spanker pretty damn erotic? Back to her butt, which is pretty red by this time, with some purple splotches at the most spanked spots. In this position, clad in her high heels still, she reminds me of an old-fashioned housewife getting spanked by her irate husband, crying, promising to behave. He massages her butt, and this seems to sting more than the spanking - we can see real tears at this point, and the poor girl really does seem to have learned her lesson, Mystery Spanker.

Segment 3: Ivy - Dogpatch comes to Red Hot Video
Question: If you were to be stranded on a desert island with just one RHV segment, which one would you take? No brainer for me -- it would be Ivy, hands down. I could watch Ivy all day. Well, to be fair, I could watch Ivy and the Mystery Spanker all day. Ivy by herself may be a bit much. Ivy is what can technically be referred to as "a blond bombshell", something I've always aspired to be, without a smidgen of success. She's got big boobs, a fat ass, and the chubbiest thighs I've seen on a RHV model, ever. In other words, she's perfect for spanking! Her sense of fashion leaves a little bit to be desired -- let's just say she's into animal prints -- and that fat ass of hers translates into the need to buy lingerie that's not exactly form-fitting, i.e. it bags somewhat in her non-butt locations. But hey, I'm not complaining, Ivy. You're still one sexy chick, and if my breasts were that big, I'd make sure my nipples peeked out from my lingerie all the time, too. From the get-go, one has the feeling that Ivy and the Mystery Spanker are not going to hit it off, personality-wise. When she gets bored with flouncing around in her leopard prints, she decides to take a cigarette break, to the great annoyance of -- you guessed it -- the Mystery Spanker. Well, the fireworks fly and before you know it, the Mystery Spanker has Li'l Ol' Ivy bare-butt-up over his lap. Did I mention that Ivy has a Southern accent that won't quit, even when she's screaming at the top of her lungs? And I thought it was fake. Not our Ivy. And her Daisy Mae-barefoot-bare-assed imitation is so authentic, I think I'm in Dogpatch. Ivy does not intend to take this butt whooping lying down though, frankly, she doesn't seem to have a lot of choice in the matter. She keeps threatening that all she has to do is "make one phone call", and that when she does, the Mystery Spanker will deeply regret his current course of action. "One phone call" to whom, for God's sake? Be specific, Ivy! The Mystery Spanker -- ominous music plays off and on -- makes a few threats of his own: "When I'm done with you, you're gonna be a little lady." For some reason, the Mystery Spanker's threats tend to carry a little more weight with me. It actually doesn't take more than a few minutes before Ivy has given up her threats, and moved into "begging mode", a state that I typically resort to immediately when I'm in Ivy's shoes. "Oh God please stop" and "Somebody help me!" are the phrases most frequently heard at this point. Ivy, lucky kid, has the good fortune to have a potential rescuer nearby: a pretty, business-suited woman is standing just outside the door listening, and her reaction to the bare bottom spanking ranges from glee to surprise to bemusement. She's a cutie, and I keep hoping that perhaps the Mystery Spanker will pull her in by the ear and give her a taste of toasted buns. Regardless, she declines to answer Ivy's prayers and she stays in her spot just outside the hotel room door, perhaps assessing whether Ivy's can is worth saving. About mid-point through Ivy's show comes the apex of Red Hot Video-dom. Though girls aplenty have begged the Mystery Spanker over the years to allow them to get out of their butt roasting by giving him a special something from their bag of tricks, he has steadfastly refused. He must be getting old -- he doesn't refuse this time. That's right, boys and girls, Ivy gives your friend and mine a nice loud blow job. Wow! And a very sexy blow job it is: on her knees, her red butt wiggling up and down, back and forth, her legs kicking in protest when he grabs her ears and moves her mouth at just the right pace to achieve his goal. I watched this part...ohhh...about 9,000 times. And I could watch it another 9,000. Make this a part of every RHV, willya, Mystery Spanker? You're probably thinking, well, that's that -- a spanking, a blow job, what could be better? Not the Mystery Spanker's modus operandi, though. He's a man on a mission, and that mission is to kick some Ivy butt. "You probably thought your spanking was over," he says, as Ivy retches on the floor from having to swallow the Mystery Spanker's elixir. He hauls her butt back over his lap, and Ivy is genuinely pissed. This is a woman with some experience behind her, that's obvious, and her experience has told her that the blow job should pretty much cover it. No way, sweetheart. She jiggles and screams and begins the threats again, and pretty soon, I temporarily forget about that sweet, sweet blow job to watch. Another five or six minutes of bare bottom paddling, and Ivy is finally tossed off his lap in disgrace. She does get a few extra while on the floor, and another one or two on her way to back to the bathroom to get dressed. On the way, she picks up a high heel shoe and waves it about in a very threatening manner. Lucky for us that the Mystery Spanker is not easily intimidated by the likes of Ivy. Give her a nice hard smack on the way out the door, will you, Mystery Spanker?

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